JUST DO IT YOURSELF/LOST ELVES

10:27amHannah

we've matured so much

10:29amAndrea

i know

10:31amHannah

i'm watching a hole documentary, eating a toaster waffle, and preparing for a long day of playing guitar

and i kind of realized i think i was doing the exact same thing this time, ten years ago

at age 11

10:39amAndrea

haha

im working

it sucks

10 years ago i was sleeping and complaining about my mom's homemade delecious soup

what a fuckin brat

10:40amHannah

hahaha

10:41amAndrea

i think most people are imbeciles ive decided

10:41amHannah

yeah

10:41amAndrea

especially people here\

asking questions about stupid stuff


10:46amHannah

i always wonder how some people get raised

like if their parents built this fortress of idealizations and fantasies

that they lived in

with unicorns

10:47amAndrea

in the luxury of their parents womb till they are 18 and then they set out to find themselves and just find people to bother and baby them along the way

10:47amHannah

like the movie elf

10:47amAndrea

exactly

10:47amHannah

hahahahaha

10:47amHannah

he is basically most 18-30 year olds

10:47amAndrea

yes!

it's what i deal with day to day

10:48amHannah

lost elves

HOLY FUCK

OK SO STEVEN SEGAL HAS A NEW COPS-STYLE REALITY SHOW.

HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT x 100000000.

ghost of christmas past

i have been stepped on so many times in the last week that i'm starting to feel like i am invisible.

spoooooky.

no sleep. going insane.

just two aids vampires hanging ten.

so how's school?

let's see, today my first lecture involved arguments over traumatic banana peels (would slipping on a banana peel still be considered funny afterwards?), then i attempted to do some theory work in the library while simultaneously talking about conjuring up bukowski so that he could be a myspace friend, and just now got distracted by a girl with a full mustache and it interrupted the work on my film seminar that i was TOTALLY about to dedicate myself to.

the two hour trip to metrotown in search of burger king that i embarked on yesterday was actually much more productive. i ended up with burger king in the end. i would call that a win on my part.

sometimes i consider bringing my guitar to school so that i can actually work on things that might eventually matter down the line. but then i realize i would be the person on the lawn with the guitar and that it would probably lead to socks and sandals and/or beach jam sessions one day - and leave the guitar at home. nobody needs lawn guitarist at langara. thats like one step up from guy playing the bongos and longboarding to his political science class. and that, my friends, is no good.



seriously, guy, just cut it out.

R.I.P.

happy birthday iseult. love you always.

NAVEL GAZING NU METAL

"there is, like, heartbreak in orange county. and i'm, like, the voice of people that don't always get heard. you know?"

ruling

SWEET YOUNG THING AIN'T SWEET NO MORE

READING OLD BLOGSZ/I WAS 18 ONCE

Sunday, October 28, 2007

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. "





I WAS READING MISSED CONNECTIONS BECAUSE I AM SAD AND HAVE ADD AND CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE BECAUSE I'M LOSING EVERYTHING AROUND ME.

but i saw this. and it's from that book that was a precursor for some white people to hug each other and get eternally grounded for doing bad things. the bible or wtevr.





GROUP HUG

don't tell me fucking south park already did it

i want to make a documentary about fingerbanging in high school.

with "stay" by lisa loeb playing as the credits go down at the end.

post-hospital

"i became a fabulous opera; i saw that all creatures have been doomed to happiness: action is not life but, rather, a waste of energy, an enervation. morality is brain damage."

my everything hurts. my new guitar is beautiful and perfect. it's my birthday in three days. i almost died on saturday. i can't sleep, can't eat, can't focus. everything is distorted and i am living in one big daydream. music sounds different. i keep falling in and out of love with varying people and it's making me crazy.

i need a nap.

kitten party

sometimes i get waves of loneliness that are only fit to be mentioned in an unread blogspot blog.

"gg has been arrested over 52 times"

sad morning

i woke up and realized that i forgive (you), and it made my chest tighten up because i realized that means that i love you even more now. because i never really forgave (you) for anything, never thought i would be able to forgive (you) for the end.

but now i do, i forgive (you). for everything. for the first time in my life.

which unfortunately means that i now love (you) completely unconditionally, on a whole other cosmic level. which is worrisome because i haven't even seen (you) since the end. so what if i just keep loving you more and more and more as i smarten up and continue having growth spurts of something resembling emotional maturity? as i turn into a big girl.

but i grew up and forgave things/(you) way way way too late in the game. (and yes, some thigns were pretty "unforgivable", but fuck it. acceptance may as well be all or nothing.) figures it would happen after everything collapsed. i guess that's why you shouldn't meet your twin heart when you're an 18 year old girl. you never get to love someone in an adult manner, or have a non-jerry springer-esque relationship with them because you're, well, not an adult.

and i forgive the drugs and anger and pent up hurts that warped us and ruined everything. because it's too late. and now all i can do is wait to see you knock over your chair in excitement the first time you meet me, in our next lifetime.

it's not goodbye, it's i'll be seeing you.

night

GOODNIGHT MANATEE

bad day at school, in the style of my journal circa grade 9

am i going to, all brokenhearted, walk away from what is left of my friends who, understandably, aren't ever going to be the same friends as before. aren't going to be the people who call me over to practice, who i can rent a space with, who i don't have to nag to hang out with. am i going to be a langara (of all places) dropout? because rolling my eyes at a heated debate over whether or not emily dickinson USES GOOD IMAGERY sometimes burns your soul up fast. or am i going to continue on with this weird extension of the worst parts of highschool that takes up valuable "playing guitar on my mattress alone/watching dumb and dumber on repeat" i am so weak willed right now.


it's like i came back from that old life with so many hopes and dreams, and now that none of them have come true, my life isn't a 24 hour hang out and jam with friends, nobody calls, i am just some semi-clean, college student version of myself. sometimes i think i'm doing some of this to give back for the years of parents filing missing persons on me, and in times like this it's the best argument against me continuing the 100 percent selfish life i have always lived. i didn't feel like doing anything in highschool, so i didn't. it was too hard to kick drugs, so i didn't/made endless justifcations as to why relapsing should be guilt free...didn't feel like going to work, so i slept in.


how soft in the head. i am drooling faceup on my laptop, eyes closed.

NO SOURCE INCOME

EVERYONE HAVE A UNICORNY DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dicks

everytime i include bad poetry, i want a high five from someone, and i accept that at that moment a unicorn sheds a tear.

ROY ORBISON - CRYING

sunburns

i think i am too touchy. i know i am too touchy. touch touch touch. i am in most ways still some underdeveloped mass of insecurities, kind of like a child, but not as charming. i read things and assume they are about me if they are negative. i guess this means i think that the world revolves around me. i don't know why i'm listing all my most horrible flaws in this thing, but it's sort of cathartic to admit you're a quivering blob of teary eyed phone calls once in a while.

i've been trying to write about drugs, about being left behind, about cats and unicorns and tricycles. but nothing is coming out properly. it feels so contrived when i attempt to spill out anything but the most trivial of BLOG entries.

i need something for my brain. i need to get things off my chest that are so tightly glued there that ripping things out of my ME is impossible right now. i feel like my insides are just boiling themselves sore. i feel weighed down, physically. i don't know if it's an outward thing that really is an inward thing that really should be simple to work out ETC ETC ETC. but i can't. wah wah wah. i can't. boo hoo. i feel heavy and i need to shit out some masterpiece so that i can feel normal in my own clothes, not feel so sweaty and sticky and like there are lumps of hot sugar in my guts.

what to do

i sit around nowadays, wondering what to do with myself. i've cut all my ties, burned many bridges, and am living as some sort of refugee from real lfe in my parents' apartment. it's embarassing to try and fail so many times at something that should be relatively simple: get up, don't ruin own life, avoid selling your possessions on a consistent basis.

i get sick of how some people pat themsleves on the back for not being able to stay clean or be ANOTHER BRICK IN THE CORPORATE WALL, MAN. but slipping between the cracks and barely making ends meet is just as much of a lazy, asshole, narcissist cop out. being a drug addict sucks. it's the result of bad ideas, and unfortunately, thinking you're way too cool for WAY too long. i don't feel sorry for myself for anything that has happened, i made stupid decisons that were immature and selfish at best and completely retarded at worst.

i don't know where this is going exactly.

there are so many things i want to do now that i have little to no personal freedom. having no keys, no money, and having to report to your mother again makes one think about everything that they could do. in the span of a day i've contemplated getting my guitar back, learning to drive, learning to paint, riding my bike from my old apartment to here, learning to draft, and volunteering at the SPCA. in six months i will have accomplished none of this. !!!!!!!

maybe i should travel. i'm in my twenties, let the tour of the world begin. i am entitled, i am half white and from a middle class background and did my hard time in one semester of college.

i think i want to go somewhere but don't know if travelling is like some sickness that makes you think you're world weathered because you stayed in a hostel in malaysia with a bunch of other white college students flying in on jumbo jets.

i think this is when the "maybe you should just get a job" sign should start flickering in my head.

over a year

i haven't written in this in over a year. i guess it's now or never. not really.

anways, my life is changing far too fast for me to even attempt to understand. in the past week i have lost my apartment, my two cats, most of my money, and my fiancee.

it was so typical it was pretty much a yet to be written my so called life episode. fiancee growing sick of the kind of life that involves selling all possessions and eating at food banks, money gone to a relapse that left him so thin it was kind of not even charming in a teenage heroin chic fantasy way that suburban kids dream about in junior high. i didn't want to lose him, i wish i could take everything back and not consistently fuck up any hope of me being with him. but sometimes it seems sadly impossible.

i have given up on trying to make sense of anything anymore. there was no warning that this would happen, really. i thought i could trot along as usual, try to hold everything together, try to scrounge money and pay rent and live from day to day. but i can understand that not everyone wants to live that way. that pat had to open a door and jump ship. not to say i'm without anger or complete grief about him leaving. it is hard for me to wrap my tiny brain around the fact that someone who was living with me, as my partner, in a shared apartment, with his head on my shoulder on friday could leave me without even a phone call by saturday mid-afternoon. HOW COULD SOMEONE DO MEAN THINGS TO ME? :(

all this commotion is making my stomach hurt, making me sweat constantly, pick my fingers, curl my toes. it stops for a minute and i have a panic attack. it's either too fast or too slow.

for now i am trying to take some advice for once and just let go. not try to grab frantically at the memory of me and pat. not try to scramble my words over the phone in attempts to convince him that this can work, please don't leave, please just can we go back to the apartment i'll move my stuff in by tomorrow i'm different i understand now i swear to god I CAN CHANGE.

they say complicated grief involves the inability to let go, open yourself up to complete mourning and pain. like grasping at straws. i think i've always had some of that. i'm attempting to let go of all that bullshit. hopefully this time around it works. i picture myself opening up my shirt and having a dozen white doves followed by a unicorn fly out and then a rainbow fall out of my chest and into the sky. that's my image of letting go.

he is gone. there is no relationship. it is over. i am alone. there are clothes to be sorted and things to get done around here. i can't just sit on my ass and cry for the rest of my human life. as much as i'd really and truly like to at this point. there are rainbows that need to be rainbowed.