sad morning

i woke up and realized that i forgive (you), and it made my chest tighten up because i realized that means that i love you even more now. because i never really forgave (you) for anything, never thought i would be able to forgive (you) for the end.

but now i do, i forgive (you). for everything. for the first time in my life.

which unfortunately means that i now love (you) completely unconditionally, on a whole other cosmic level. which is worrisome because i haven't even seen (you) since the end. so what if i just keep loving you more and more and more as i smarten up and continue having growth spurts of something resembling emotional maturity? as i turn into a big girl.

but i grew up and forgave things/(you) way way way too late in the game. (and yes, some thigns were pretty "unforgivable", but fuck it. acceptance may as well be all or nothing.) figures it would happen after everything collapsed. i guess that's why you shouldn't meet your twin heart when you're an 18 year old girl. you never get to love someone in an adult manner, or have a non-jerry springer-esque relationship with them because you're, well, not an adult.

and i forgive the drugs and anger and pent up hurts that warped us and ruined everything. because it's too late. and now all i can do is wait to see you knock over your chair in excitement the first time you meet me, in our next lifetime.

it's not goodbye, it's i'll be seeing you.

night

GOODNIGHT MANATEE

bad day at school, in the style of my journal circa grade 9

am i going to, all brokenhearted, walk away from what is left of my friends who, understandably, aren't ever going to be the same friends as before. aren't going to be the people who call me over to practice, who i can rent a space with, who i don't have to nag to hang out with. am i going to be a langara (of all places) dropout? because rolling my eyes at a heated debate over whether or not emily dickinson USES GOOD IMAGERY sometimes burns your soul up fast. or am i going to continue on with this weird extension of the worst parts of highschool that takes up valuable "playing guitar on my mattress alone/watching dumb and dumber on repeat" i am so weak willed right now.


it's like i came back from that old life with so many hopes and dreams, and now that none of them have come true, my life isn't a 24 hour hang out and jam with friends, nobody calls, i am just some semi-clean, college student version of myself. sometimes i think i'm doing some of this to give back for the years of parents filing missing persons on me, and in times like this it's the best argument against me continuing the 100 percent selfish life i have always lived. i didn't feel like doing anything in highschool, so i didn't. it was too hard to kick drugs, so i didn't/made endless justifcations as to why relapsing should be guilt free...didn't feel like going to work, so i slept in.


how soft in the head. i am drooling faceup on my laptop, eyes closed.