today while walking home from a doctor's appointment, i ran into an old friend. he was panhandling outside of a 7-11, full beard, looking about 40-50 pounds thinner than he was when i knew him. three years ago he was a strapping, tough french canadian guy - built like a fucking refrigerator, like he had steel for bones. now all the life has run out of his eyes, his loud as hell laugh - one of my favorite laughs - would probably break his bones if he could muster it up.
i remember once, when me and my ex had next to nothing, he went down to the beach with my then-fiancee, to gather flowers because we had just gotten engaged. they found a necklace down there and he gave it to me that afternoon, one of the only solid things i have to remember my engagement/relationship besides a gold ring a dealer gave me a year later. the necklace is the only item from that time that holds positive memories. oh, and once he accused a squirrel of stealing a joint from him, so he stole the nut that the squirrel was nibbling on as payback. that was pretty awesome.
i guess the worst part is that through all of this, i could clearly recognize a look on his face, something he was saying without verbalizing. something that you could see on my face once, in my old life, when it was too hard to talk.
it looked like he was trying to say "i'm sorry."
i went home and sat down and cried like a total pussy.
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